Damn it, Jim, eat your vegetables!
by TFALokiwriter
Summary: Star Trek: Jim refuses to eat asparagus. Attempt at crack.


"Damn it, Jim!" McCoy shouted, holding a long string of asparagus in one hand holding it up in the direction of the captain with furrowed, pissed eyebrows. "Eat your vegetables!"

"No!" Jim shouted, ducking the shot of phaser fire.

The doctor ducked as did Spock and the remaining security officer Bryan Fuller.

"Doctor, it does not appear that the asparagus will be useful in combat," Spock replied.

"Asparagus is not a weapon," Fuller said, once he realized that the doctor had lost his standard issue phaser.

"Anything is a weapon when it comes to Bones," Jim said.

McCoy stood up.

"I got asparagus and I am not afraid to toss it at your general direction!" McCoy shouted in the direction of the people firing at their direction.

The firing stopped and a clatter of weapons was heard landing to the dirt.

Then they heard running coming from squeaky, large boots.

Jim and Fuller shared wide eyes sharing a glance toward each other.

Spock appeared to be fascinated looking over toward the doctor like he was gazing at a scientific marvelity but most importantly at the wimpy asparagus. Spock's eyes were stuck on the green, wide almost rubber like edible product. The tip was a folded tree held together. His parents had served him various meals with this vegetable in his childhood. And seeing it being used as a weapon was intriguing. And how it worked, as well. Books were not only weapons to humanity or to space antagonizing natives.

"See?" McCoy said, looking over toward the shorter man. "Asparagus is the most healthy thin' there is that wards off obesity and bein' cranky, slow, and unhealthy life style," he waved the green, wet asparagus. Where did McCoy find a cooked, delicious asparagus? It was a mystery better left unsolved. "The orcs prove it!"

"Captain?" Spock inquired, looking over toward Jim. "I do not know what argument you had with the doctor this morning but I recommend you resolve it peacefully."

"Never!" Jim ducked into a bush that had leaves shaped like unhealthy food such as doughnuts, sweet tarts, and candy. The man's head poked out of the sweet yet intoxicating smelling bush with his sapphire eyes glaring back at the doctor's direction. "Never, ever, over my dead body."

"We must inform the federation colony that attempting to live here is a illogical decision," Spock said. "given the. . ."

"Orcs," Fuller said.

"Land, sugar thrivin' orcs," McCpy said.

"Natives of the planet," Spock said.

"Do that, Mr Spock," Jim replied. "I will only come out if he does not threaten me with that asparagus!"

McCoy had a hand behind his back.

"I cross my heart and hope to die," McCoy said.

"Pinkie swear?" Jim asked.

"I can't promise that, now can I?" McCoy said. "I am your doctor, not your passive background observer."

"I will ensure you do not get threatened by the doctor," Spock said, then looked over toward the young doctor.

"Good luck with that," McCoy said, bouncing on the tip of his toes. He looked over toward the younger man. Spock had both his hands on the side of his waist and so the doctor mimicked him like Fuller was doing. They were all equally annoyed by the captain who should be a adult not a teenager finding his ground. "get your athletic rear out of there!"

* * *

Some of the crew fell down with a illness two days after the away mission went smoothly. It was unnerving to the doctor and the medical staff who were working around the clock to keep their patients together. Jim hated vegetables. What was the point of them when they didn't get your stomach full and instead left it half full? Jim had reservations about vegetables due to his time on Tarsus IV. Vegetables on the planet didn't fill his stomach. He gave most of his food to the younger children in the Tarsus Nine.

They didn't eat vegetables.

Not enough calories to keep them going.

Sure he had gone over several hurdles that the traumatizing event left him with the help from his boyfriend, a doctor, a psychologist, and a healer who tried his best to help him. Speaking of which, Jim was sleeping on the couch while McCoy had the bed. There was a rift developing because of the asparagus. God, he hated the asparagus! The rift would heal, eventually, and then share time together closely and intimately. But he would never, ever, ever eat the asparagus. Over his dead body.

Just like he had said earlier.

He ate worse to survive.

Asparagus would top the list.

"Good morning, captain," Spock greeted Jim. He tilted his head. "Are you feeling all right?"

"I am fine," Jim smiled back at the Vulcan. "Just don't feel well. . . All I want to do is eat."

Spock straightened his head with hands locked behind his back.

"It appears you have been taken by illness that we picked up from the orcs," Spock said. "have you eaten breakfast?"

"Iowian beef," Jim patted on his stomach. "french fries, and chicken nuggets. And cheese."

Spock raised an eyebrow.

"I do not understand your fascination with a burger, soda, and meal normally served at burger king," Spock said.

"It hits the spot, Spock," Jim said, gently placing a hand on the Vulcan's shoulder then slide his hand down the blue, long muscular shoulder.

"Understood," Spock said. "but I recommend you eat a fruit or vegetable. That is the only way the illness will be repelled and you begin to feel better."

"Did you have to eat asparagus?" Jim said.

"The doctor insisted I eat it like a banana," Spock said. "after I showed symptoms."

"That is my Bones," Jim said.

"For the sake of the ship you must eat vegetables," Spock said. "and that is all I will say on the matter."

"Thank you for respecting my privacy, pal," Jim said. "I am hitting the exercise deck. Want to join me?"

"No," Spock said. "I have a shift to attend."

"Snooze you lose," Jim shrugged, walking past the Vulcan.

Spock watched the man go down the hall experiencing concern for the man.

And just like that, he was tugged after the captain to be sure that he did not fall.

* * *

Jim groaned, his eyes opening, out f the warmth and darkness to see a familiar grumpy face.

"Booonnnes," Jim groaned, feeling well.

And there was something long, green but otherwise plant like in his hand.

"Don't be such an infant and eat it!" McCoy was leaned forward holding the asparagus out. "it won't kill ya."

"Noooo," Jim groaned, as the man leaned back.

"Ya lucky that Spock was there when you fell!" McCoy said. "if anythin', it would have been hours before ya woke up and ya might might have been even more sick!" he looked toward the screen. "No parasitical infection, pregnancy, invasion, disease, just the effects of bein' on a sugar planet and bein' attacked by defense mechanism." the doctor bounced on his toes.

"I am sorry for what I said last night," Jim apologized, admiring McCoy simultaneously being sick. He cleared his throat, tiredly, feeling the temptation of returning to sleep. Jim was sure that he was on a drug that was keeping him awake while his body fought off in dance battle. "I was stressed."

"Stressed about reassigning the Mill's sisters to USS Sleepy hollow?" McCoy said, turning toward the younger man's direction. The man nodded. "Sweety, eating healthy keeps ya around longer if Spock ain't there. He is not always goin' to be there," the doctor shook his head. "now don't give me any 'I am goin' to die alone bullshit because ya will die with me by your side makin' sure your life is hell."

"Thanks, honey," Jim said, with a smile.

McCoy held out the asparagus.

"You'll get better if ya eat it," McCoy advised him. "and Spock is mannin' the bridge. He doesn't like it."

"When does he ever like it?" Jim asked, jokingly.

"Hardly," McCoy said, as the man took the asparagus.

"And I do eat healthy," Jim argued back. "beef."

"That gets ya fat," McCoy said. "and it's synthetic. Not the real, livin' remains to a animal that lived months ago that absorbed nutrients." the doctor sat on the edge of the biobed. "Man, I love ya but there are vegetables that had lots of calories. Like taco pizza. Salad pizza. Corn-tomato pizza. Pepper berry corn pizza."

Jim took the doctor's hand and squeezed it.

"Thank you for trying," Jim said. "I appreciate it."

"And there is also engineered vegetables," McCoy finished, looking at the patient like he was a million worlds of beauty. "Got a lon's way since ya were a kid. " Jim started to lean forward to kiss his boyfriend but McCoy placed a hand on the man's lips. "Hold on," McCoy said. "ya sick," Jim's stomach grumbled. "kiss me when ya better," the doctor smiled with one hand rubbing along the side of the captain's cheek. "Ya can kiss me all that ya want after that."

Jim leaned back.

"Fine," Jim said. "But I am doing it for you."

"Doctor!" Christine called, coming in with a unwell Nyota who was holding a chocolate bar in one hand. "help!"

"Nurse T'Spol, get a bucket," McCoy ordered. "I'll get the asparagus!"

Jim could smell the nice, tasty scent coming from somewhere within the room. He took a bite out of the asparagus that felt soft and smooth and squishy in his track. He chewed it down into pieces making his way to the bottom until some of the skin was all that was left. He dropped his arms seeing Nyota's figure laid on to the biobed across. His eyes slowly draped over his eyes. McCoy went over to a comn terminal appearing to be annoyed and he heard something abut "Spock, calm your tits" and then he fell to sleep. It sounded just like McCoy to tell off Spock that way in order to calm his concerns about _them_.

* * *

 _Jim entered the small, but cramped circular bridge of the Kelvin. He looked around, baffled, seeing the darkened color. It looked like the ship was in space dock. He had studied the ship in a reconstruction of it. He felt as though that he was not alone He could see Earth below through the view screen as a glowing, vibrating marble resting in space surrounded by holes inside a pocket. It was a fascinating sight. That he, a human, came from as part of species, the planet that he was supposed to have been born on. But it was so alien. Like he did not belong to it. As though he was staring at someone elses homeplanet._

 _The planet that his mother,Commander Miller, had stayed away from since he was five years old. She left him with his Uncle Frank and his brother too. His brother ran away years later. He felt uneasy about the room. He came over to the chair visualizing his father's figure sitting there. Leaning to his left with a curl in his hair with a massive build and broad shoulders. He must have been ginormous. His father always said that he looked uncanny like his father but he lacked the dimming eyebrows. He heard laughter behind him. He turned. There was a humanoid in the more modern uniform. A black regulation shirt below a blue shirt that had the science officer badge on it. It seemed right of place but a chill traveled down the man's spine. The hair on the back of his neck rose up. Jim felt light as a feather._

 _"Bones?" Jim said. "Bones!" he approached the figure to see that it had a face of a asparagus. Jim laughed. "Take that asparagus mask off." he slapped the man's shoulder._

 _The asparagus walked forward lacking eyes toward him._

 _Sourceless laughter was coming from the asparagus._

 _"Wanna bet?" Jim asked. "I bet I would look more terrifying than you in that mask."_

 _The asparagus reached out grabbing him by the neck with a tight squeeze banging him against the nearby station. His throat began to close as he wrapped his hands around the tough, dense large hands wrapped around his neck. He kicked at the asparagus's legs, "Spock! Look Bones! BONES!" he could feel the heavy weight on his throat. "help, help, help." his eyes winced as the grip was continued. "It's choking me," the heavy weight was a lot like Spock's choking grip on him._

 _The asparagus laughed._

 _"Stop. . . laughing. . ." Jim said. "this. . . isn't. . . funny. . . anymore."_

 _"Lay off the snickers!" Jim overheard McCoy's voice from the background._

 _"Leonard!" James called. "LEONARD! IT'S CHOKING ME!"_

 _"PUT THAT CANDY BAR DOWN AND EAT HEALTHY!" McCoy shouted._

 _For some reason, the man had a feeling it wasn't directed at him._

 _A memory from the past._

 _"Lay off, asparagus. . . can't . . breath. . . this. . isn't. . . funny . . anymore," Jim said, as the laughter grew from the asparagus._

 _So this was how he was going to die._

 _Alone._

 _By a walking embodiment of asparagus._

 _And it would walk over his dead body._

 _The only way to defeat it would be to eat its face._

 _Or bite into its hand._

 _"Spock!" Jim cried. "Spack! Spawk! Spock! HELP ME!"_

 _He ate people before for the sake of survival and he preferred not to do it again._

 _Over, his dead body._

 _Suddenly the figure fell crumbling to a pile of asparagus. Jim got up regaining his breath feeling unsteady. He looked over to see Spock with his arms locked behind his back looking down upon the mess. Spock slowly, and carefully, picked the asparagus up placing them into a basket. Jim cleared his throat grasping at it. That was a close call. He looked over toward the commander to see him in one of the uniforms that he had seen in the mind meld with the elder Spock. He was in a blue, white, and black uniform and he had his Spock's face. Jim relaxed._

 _"Captain," Spock said. "it appears this anomaly has given us unexpected visitor."_

 _"What do you suppose it is?" Jim asked._

 _"A sentient humanoid species based off asparagus," Spock said. "however, there is no logic of how this is possible," by his side apparated Fuller. "take this to the brig until we determine how to deal with this."_

 _"Aye, sir," Fuller said, with a nod._

 _"Nearly tried to kill me," Jim said, as the room bustled to life._

 _"Namely because you attract threats," Nyota said, turning from her station. "now why does everyone like to choke you?"_

 _"It is a good question, lieutenant," Spock agreed, as Fuller vanished from the line of sight. "did you instate witch craft or black magic?"_

 _"Me?" Jim said, walking over to the chair with the eyes of Pavel and Hikaru all on him. "Nah. I never did that," our view panned over to the young boy surrounded by eight other children preparing to do a ceremony of some kind using amphibians. "I am too sensible to do that. I was mot the kind who wanted attention on myself."_

 _"I won't be surprised if you did but you don't remember it," Nyota said._

 _"I did that once," Hikaru said. "but I had to end it using a complete pack of root beer."_

 _"Glad I didn't do it," Pavel said._

 _"Admit it, captain," Nyota said. "everyone here has made plenty of mistakes."_

 _Jim shook his head._

 _"I would if I did," Jim said._

 _"Shame," Hikaru said. "That would have been a funny story to hear."_

 _"What about you, Spock?" Jim asked._

 _"I believe not," Spock said. "as logic dictates that magic does not exist."_

 _"Dubious at best with magic," Jim said._

 _"Would you prefer to play chess or. . " Spock slowly began to ask._

 _"I rather watch the store," Jim said. "always something fun going on."_

 _"I will take my leave," Spock said, then made his way out of the scene._

 _Jim went over to the captain's chair. He blinked and the scenery changed before his eyes to the desk with his hands clasped together in front of a large padd that had words that did not make sense to the human. It looked lot like Klingon than it being Vulcan. It looked so alien sto his eyes. It wasn't Cardassian, Gangorian, Loche, and Lacciev. Nor Romulan. He got up from the chair then made his way around it. There was a chirp from the comn terminal along the wall then he pressed the side of the button putting it in._

 _"Kirk here," Jim said._

 _"The prisoner has avakened, captain," Nyota said. "Mr Spock is waiting for you."_

 _Jim nodded his head._

 _"Understood, Uhura," Jim said._

 _"And," Nyota said. "are you still going to attend the sleep over?"_

 _"I would not miss it for the world," Jim said. "and it's a video game night."_

 _"More of a sleep over spending it at Gailia's room," Nyota said._

 _"Yes," Jim said, fondly. "it is. I will bring my own make up. Kirk out."_

 _Jim pressed the button again turning the comn terminal off then began to make his way down the Hall. It felt like he was watching someone driving his body much like a car like he wasn't in control. Someone else was pretending to be captain James T. Kirk. He found his way into the brig where Spock was in front of the brig with his hands locked behind his back slightly turned in his direction quirking an eyebrow up. Jim noticed he was in civilian uniform which consisted of a plaid black and red shirt, long skinny jeans, and a white shirt beneath the partially buttoned up shirt. Jim noticed Spock had a bracelet of asparagus around his wrist. The Vulcan lowered his eyebrow turning towards the prisoner. Jim came to the man's side._

 _"Why did you attack my ship?" Jim asked._

 _"You attacked mine, first," the figure was in dark gray prison attire._

 _"You attacked first," Jim said._

 _"You attacked," The figure replied._

 _"That is not true," Spock said. "we were not paying attention to you. And you were not a threat to the ship."_

 _The figure looked down toward the discarded asparagus._

 _"So. . ." The figure's icey green eyes looked through Jim's soul. "what is with the asparagus?"_

 _Spock and Jim shared a glance to each other._

 _Jim's eyes boggled noticing Spock was wearing a crown made of asparagus._

 _"Do not deflect from the line of questioning, " Spock said._

 _"Where is Bones?" Jim asked._

 _"He has taken ill lately," Spock replied._

 _"Really? He would have told me by now. . ." Jim said._

 _"He will recover," Spock said._

 _Suddenly, the scene changed to a arctic one that was strangely familiar. He fell down face first into a sea of bitter cold, piercing snow. Delta Vega, that's the only arctic planet he has thorough experience on. He got back to his feet noticing that he was in winter gear including a long colorful scarf, a tight but dress like green coat with a very warm furry hood and heavy boots. He waved his arms feeling the tightness against his ribs He slightly zipped the zipper down once gaining his composure. He turned around hearing a familiar annoyed, grumpy shout in the distance. There was fog. Why Delta Vega of all place? He noticed there were tall glaciers in the distance with large boulders pressed against them to his side. There were sculptures around him that reminded him of several away missions and first contacts. And-one of them resembled the Enterprise. His fingers were in black, fuzzy warm gloves. He squinted his eyes._

 _"Bones?" Jim said. "Bones! Is you?"_

 _He saw a large, familiar figure on four feet headed his way but with a human head. In one hand it held a long thin item._

 _That was steaming._

 _It could only be one thing: asparagus._

 _"I will say it again and I will say it twice, EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!" McCoy shouted._

 _Jim turned away and fled._

 _"This is bull shit!" Jim shouted, fleeing from the herbivore/carnivores beast running after him._

 _"I'VE SAID, EAT IT!" McCoy trailed behind the young captain who leaped over a large boulder skidding in the snow heading toward a cliff side and his heart beat against his chest. He fell over the cliff with a scream with the beast following after him. He reached out grasping for a tree branch getting a cut to the side of his hand. The beast went past him, "DAMN IT, JIM!"_  
 _Jim looked over his shoulder to see a cloud of snow rising up._

 _"Poor Leonard," Jim said. Then he saw the figure move._

 _"Eat healthy or I am goin' to eat your ass like Zeus did with his babies ONLY A LOT WORSE!" the beast threatened._

 _"I would invoke a beauty and the beast joke," Jim began. "but that is wildly inappropriate given that THIS IS NOT A LOVE STORY WHERE INANIMATE OBJECTS ARE ALIVE!" Jim heard a growl from below his figure. "I LOVE YOU TOO!"_

 _Jim swung into a hole using the branch and rolled his way inside. He heard something dig its way into the glacial. Jim looked around for anything in particular. He found a sharp rock and held it for self defense. The large beast made its way up with three cool, steaming asparagus in one of its grips. The stubborn as hell expression plastered onto the human face staring right in his direction. Jim fell back onto his ass then used the wall as his support feeling his legs growing heavy underneath him._

 _"'I love ya, honey, but you need to eat healthy," the beast said. "I am honestly terrified that I am goin' to lose ya one day due to how ya eat. And I don't know how I will be able to live knowin' I couldn't help ya," his hazel eyes glared at the human. Then the beast boomed,"NOW EAT IT!" scrabbling its way into the cave bending down getting his hair coated in pieces of icicles. His white fur made him look incredibly massive if not dog like or ape like all in one body with tired bags under his eyes. What pieces of snow there was coating his hair made McCoy look older. Older thirty in all before the man._

* * *

Jim bolted up with a gasp in bed.

"Morning, sleeping beauty," McCoy said, taking a sip of sweet tea.

"I've tried it. . . and now I feel sick. . . look what you've done!" Jim glared in the direction at the doctor who seemed to take it in pride lowering the cup leaning against the doorway with a cool, warm smile on his face. "I blame you, Bones!"

"Guilty as charged," McCoy said. "feel better than the sugar flu?"

"Yes, but not as good as I was before," Jim said.

"Jim," McCoy said. "did ya. . . why didn't ya tell me that ya signed a DNR?"

Jim looked at the man with bewilderment in his eyes.

"When did I sign that?" Jim asked, bewildered. "f I did that. . . I was at a different spot in my life."

McCoy slid a padd forward into the man's hand.

"Eighteen," McCoy said. Jim read the padd. And saw his signature bright as day. "I had Spock's help while ya were gettin' better."

Jim looked at the doctor, perplexed.

"What lead you to digging this up?" Jim asked.

"It was on your file," McCoy said.

"I have to get rid of that old thing," Jim said. "and why did Spock help?"

"Your body was identifying asparagus as a threat," McCoy said. "as a hostile target. Spock came back to finish what he had started. It's pretty not-" his voice grew emotional. "threatening anymore."

Jim reached out taking the man by the cheek.

"I am not leaving you anytime soon," Jim said. He brought the doctor forward into a loving, tender kiss and briefly broke it. "long as I don't have asparagus every day then I am cool with it."

McCoy smiled.

"Don't eat snickers all the time," McCoy said.

"I won't," Jim said. "now, I am all about kissing you everywhere. . ." Jim reached out placing the cup of sweet tea to the counter then began to kiss along the man's neck, throat, shoulder, and his cheek. "I-love-you-so-damn-much-you-know-that,grumpy-old-man." McCoy forced their bodies onto the bed making the cup of sweet tea stirr with a piece of asparagus resting alongside it.

 **The End.**


End file.
